"so I try to hold on while you try to let go"

All the things I enjoyed at home have now (un)ceremoniously changed.. Things on my mind:*Rugby (first match Saturday..in Framingham...wish me luck? I spite all ye who said I wouldn't/couldn't do it. Rugby's fun. Hope I don't break anything)*Shakespeare Society (I find out tomorrow if I got in or not..audition was fun and went well, not so sure about the application essays..in part because I didn't exactly write them legibly. Oh well. No HUGE loss if I don't get it...just one less place to hang out that isn't my room.)* Tape (callbacks are Saturday at 10 before the rugby match. I'm excited... 30 people auditioned, 8 were called for callbacks....and on top of that, I'm being called back for a guy's part. That is hip to the nth degree.)* Blue out Loud (I'm starting a slam club/ helping revive the lit club...organization night was last night and I thought it went really well, got to talk about slam, hang out with people)I guess it looks as if I'm busy but the truth of the matter is it feels like there's this void.. I've met people and made friends and stuff, sure.. but it just keeps doing that tightrope thing to me--- one foot I'm balanced, the next foot I'm falling towards the net. Talk to me one hour and things are fab, the next stuff sucks. Maybe that's what adjustment period means. I enjoy my classes, I enjoy the way my room looks, I enjoy the people I've talked to..It would be nice to have a significant other. Nice aka not BAD. Not NECESSARY but not BAD. I guess I just needed that 2 month period to reset my hormones. Not so much in that way is happening yet, but I've been reminded many times in the past two days that we've only been here for 3 weeks. 3 weeks.

"I've never been in combat"

Tower Court 2003 was awesome. I think being with all girls will be more than fine. In Sean's words "I don't think being at a single sex school is the worst thing that could happen to you" (insert sly smile). Well, funny thing is that I've probably talked to more guys here than I would have if I'd been at a co-ed school. There are a few reasons for this:* Went to find Tori in Claflin and instead found a guy distributing calendars who needed an escort (guys ae only allowed horizontally w/o escorts in our dorms). So I wasn't doing anything and I walked him around. Fun stuff. 16 year old from Utica, NY. *Mixer on Friday at MIT. Horrible experience, felt ugly and unloved. Oh yeah, there were boys there, too. Blech*Saturday my phone accidentally called this guy who I met in July through my uncle and aunt. Subsequently, we're hanging out on Saturday. Yay.*Hung out with the Seanster on Sunday, made a cameo at Emerson (speaking role, too) visited Jman and got to know some of the people on his floor-- and Ellyn was there! It's a co-ed floor. And no drugs allowed on the floor. HIP. *Monday night: Tower Court. Combat boots are not passe yet! Hurray... met some nice MIT frat boys. Must actively revise opinion on frat boys. Or must actively revise opinion on MIT. Maybe a bit of both. Good time. And it was nice to feel free of paranoia for once. Danced with girls, danced with boys, remained sober throughout and still woke up for my 8:30 philosophy class. Jilisham totally messed with my mind with her Story of B-ness, right? The Prof gives us the Man in the Cave example, and I'm more concerned with the CAVE. Who gives about the man? The world is over-populated anyway. So then I tell my mom and she asks me if I'm drunk. Must. start. prioritizing. humans. again.DAMN.Well, I'm enjoying myself immensely. Have to focus a little more on the schoolwork and a little less on weekend plans, but cut me a bit of slack, it is the first week of school after all. Past the boycrazyness, I've been having a lot of fun.. just tired.. need to fix that. Enjoyment of Wellesley = A.

"don't be too nice"

Ay, there's the rub...aka the downside of wanting to get along. Then again, I suppose someone's going to be skeptical of you independent of how much or little you try. Go figure.I've realized that if I am really attracted to someone, I do't have any interest in talking to them. 1. I like the whole Dorian Gray pedestal idea..keeping the dream, not messing with it2. I resent someone else having the power to affect my thoughts3. I resent the attractiveness of the other personWhy should liking someone be such a negative?So in the midst of all this, I'm trying to re-figure out my schedule. Would I really like to take a night course on Dostoevsky? Could I deal with not taking an English class for a semester?The bigget question is whether I'll be able to stay awake in class. Who's holding their breath on that one? Tomorrow we go Boston-ing and I think Saturday I'm helping arrange an excursion to Urban Outfitters. Walked along rt 135 from Dower to Quad wondering what I WANTED to do that I wasn't doing in that moment. Felt alone, though alone's what I thought I wanted since yesterday. Alone's not it. Together? We're supposed to give it 6 months. Ok. I like school, but it's a new place. And this whole idea of slowing down and just taking other classes... doesn't seem possible to me. I never look at the little picture and the roses are just as well sniffed or not.

sitting on the sidewalk

It's amazing how easily one can busy themselves doing nothing. Wow, Ashira, the novelty should have worn off by now-- this is what you did all summer.It's Wednesday for all intensive purpose, but when I wake up in 6 hours it will be Thursday and the 'Big Decisions' begin. Who do I want to be here? I'm worrying about not worrying which is silly. I don't want to just take this, just say "Well, yeah, I mean I DID see it sophomore year and knew that nothing else could compare, that these were my people and this was the ultimate." I feel like that is not quite a humble remark. I should be homesick. Or worried about getting to the MT frats. Or Boston. I'M NOT. Went to the Town Of with M, C, L, S and R.. Au Bon Pain-ed it in classy upper-mid style. It was a trip, my roomate and Kristen walking in front while we stayed in the back and discussed clubbing. There was no Mama Dyke running the roost. Just stories.Maybe this is a stories place.. or maybe this is how you trust people. I'm used to hello as a laundry list of favorite things, a dossier of sorts. I wonder if we'd all be this comfortable if we hadn't known each other at all before. I'm pretty comfortable, but that's nothing new.. it amazes me how easy it is to get someone to open up. How fun it is. I am the scuba diver of pearl smiles.

Here.

So, I'm sitting on my bed talking to a girl from Louisiana about the bayou in her backyard and the golf course her grandfather owns. I'm walking to the greenhouse to get my free plant. I'm watching But I'm a Cheerleader in a room full of people who laugh at the right instances. I'm looking at my art posters covering the beige space.This was NOT something I had to worry about. But I guess I didn't really WORRY about wellesley... well (?) It's iffy. It is cool that we have a 'network' of people we virtually know. But I'm really enjoying the people I'm getting face-time with. They may even have more in common with me. But it feels pretty good thus far. I like my roomate, I like my room, hall, dorm, not our cafeteria so much but there are other options. Classes will be interesting, there are a bunch I want to take, and when I pick on Friday I'll obviously be talking about that in a major way. It's become increasingly clear even at this early stage why everyone loses touch with their non-college friends in college. This is intense. This is all the time. This is fun. High school was not intense like this. Maybe having guys there diluted it (ha, my burgeoning feminist tendencies are on the rise).

are you a loose end? (tie yourself up)

I should be more 'heartbroken' about leaving. Or more enthusiastic about going. No, I am excited. It's going to be great-- I'm bringing Brenner's cookies and... not my stereo. This will be the first time ever without my stereo going with me. I just don't see there being enough space. But reading Story of B definitely makes me hate certain things about my lifestyle. Such as the fact each article of clothing I own required its own suitcase (one suitcase of shoes, one of coats, etc.) And liking big houses and space. At Yosemite, there was this lookout-- Glacier Point-- where you can see the 'Eastern Valley', and I looked out, and instead of this fantastic forest with the rocks and all, I saw HIGHWAYS in-between GROVES. Not Forests. Groves of trees. and I went to www.ishmael.org and joined the Boston group and read about the EcoRaw tribal 5-day camping thing... I'd never understood vegans before, or even wanted to, but it made so much sense. I even experienced the feeling of WANTING to go to Eugene, Oregon and take part. When my parents said they were considering going to Singapore, it dawned on me that this was the kind of freedom from paranoia that I wanted... I could go to Oregon or Seattle or... Amsterdam... (YEAH) if I wanted. Or to Pride in Boston or DC.. Money, money would be needed. But I'm hoping to play my cards right and find a way to be west coast again next summer. Nevermind the fear of flying... So yes, I leave tomorrow. Said goodybe to Sandra and Grandma. Saw Camp. Ate my last Chipotle. Took the metro. Ate a Chesapeake Bagel Bakery sandwich. Got Brenner's cookies for the girls on Monday. Drove thru Old Town with mom one 'last time'. See, I'm jaded about this. Too used to camp. There's no one last ANYTHING, because eventually, you're always going back. And I will always be able to cite Ethan as an example of that. Or Derech Eretz. Flashbacks, friends. Nostalgia. Materialism. Found this great anthology at my Grandmother's house-- a 5th edition Introduction to Literature.. that I guess my uncle used at UVa. This textbook is INCREDIBLE.. it even has a poem by Fehrlinghetti:'Constantly risking absurdity'Constantly risking absurdityand deathwhenever he performsabove the headsof his audiencethe poet like an acrobatclimbs on rimeto a high wire of his own makingand balancing on eyebeamsabove a sea of facespaces his wayto the other side of dayperforming entrechatsand sleight-of-foot tricksand other high theatricsand all without mistakinganythingfor what it may not beFor he's the super realistwho must perforce perceivetaut truthbefore the taking of each stance or stepin his supposed advancetoward that still higher perchwhere Beauty stands and waitswith gravityto start her death-defying leapAnd hea little charleychaplin manwho may or may not catchher fair eternal formspreadeagled in the empty airof existence~*~Until... Monday/Tuesday...

Musing Around

Well, I'm pretty quiet tonight after getting back from LAST night with Sandra (till parents weekend... oct 31st). We saw CAMP, and she gave me my grad party gift. Currently, 2 things are on my mind *from a cultural standpoint*:CAMP, and Story of B.CAMP: was filmed at Stagedoor Manor, and it was this un-fuzzy yet VERY superficial movie about drama-y kids. And not even the pierced/pissed ones. It was so weird-- the movie had qualms with who it wanted to focus on (or the plot did. whatever.) There was VLAD, the Risto-esque OCD prozac junkie. Risto-esque meaning blonde/jocke-ish/looks perfect on the outside. And there was MIKE, the biracial gay drag queen... who had a huge crush on VLAD. Now, you would think an indie movie about a drama camp would not focus on an aryan poster boy. I'm having issues with it for that very reason. So much about the movie was unresolved. When I first saw the trailer, I assumed it was a queer flick, not even associating CAMP with, well, camp... shows you how far away my mind is...