"triumphant" return to the real world

The big return from California today. I can honestly say that was an excellent vacation. Excellent in the sense that it wasn't relaxing at all, and we did so much... overcompensating for the sloth that was this summer, I guess :grin: no... no... we just WENT places and SAW nature. I never see nature. Trees are great...just perfect. If ever I decide to give up and become an introvert, I hope to be reincarnated as a tree. Which brings me to a low point: I am rapidly becoming paranoid that I am wishy-washy. The alarm was the Monterey Slam.... in the past year, I've experienced an amazing lack of focus. Now there were many different circumstances leading up to the lack in my performance... I'd just written the poem that day, hadn't performed since June, did it spontaneously (have hardly done anything spontaneous this summer, despite popular belief). I don't know how to hold a microphone. This is a much-needed skill. And of course, my father was there in the front row. And nothing is good enough for my father. I don't like giving compliments much... I like to think that my standards are so high that very few could reach it, and simultaneously I fear seeming insincere. My father is VERY insincere. The tipping point may have been in April when JnJ met my dad at Penn Station and told me afterwards "He was horrible-- I don't know how you could stand it. He doesn't listen to what anyone else says." It made me mad at J but also re-think my father. I've had serious issues with the guy since... oh... 7th grade? Partially because he's out of touch with the real world and partially because he has no interest in touching base. When you have two parents who are like yin and yang living together in the same house, it's SO MUCH EASIER to just side with the way one of them lives than try to create your own ideology in the middle. Then, stuff begins to change:Obviously, I'm going to college in a week. Not so obviously, my parents are considering a move to Singapore. I feel very strange about this, but liberated, in a way. In 'honor' of the topic, I got a laptop. As much as I want to be my own person, I like having someone whose approval I can seek out. That will be different without a mother in the same country, though it was different this summer because I was out of the house so much and not on my parents' billfold. But the slam, and the ensuing paranoia:Everything I do is unfocused. My walking is not focused. My music taste is not focused. My parking is crooked. I am unable to draw/cut/measure in a straight line. Sitting there, listening to the other slammers' incredibly succinct lines, then later listening to the HMML recording, I realize that I'm definitely NOT where I need to be. Why is it so difficult for me to write on-topic for 3 minutes?? True, I used to hate this concept of focus, outlining, order. I like making connections. But not the shortest distance from A to B. Junior year, I really liked the idea that I disliked conclusions. Now I'm realizing what a major error that is/was. I want to be good at writing.... to prove that yeah, that's my shtick. I also want to do many other things, but I don't want to end up as one of those just-journalers. Looking forward to scoping the scene in Cambridge and hopefully find a mentor of some sort. Getting published would rule. The other night when I couldn't sleep (prior to California), I reread the signatures in my yearbook... they were all re-iterations of the same thing, encouraging me to go on with my writing, and all the other nice intimate familiarities of yearbookness. But it's an added pressure. I want to rise above and show these people that I AM good enough. I don't know where I want my art to go, but it's irritating that my mom doesn't want me to take my portfolio to college and my dad tries to give me editing advice about my poetry. Yes, I am going to a women's college to get away from men. Specifically, the men in my family. They're grumpy selfish curmudgeons, and... it's just.... messed up. Maybe the 100% female ratio will be messed up, too. Maybe I'll transfer to Columbia and do the dual C/JTS program. Probably not, probably I'll stick it out. I like Wellesley a lot. Especially the idea of it, and the solidarity. One week to go, then past the point of no return.