sitting on the sidewalk

It's amazing how easily one can busy themselves doing nothing. Wow, Ashira, the novelty should have worn off by now-- this is what you did all summer.It's Wednesday for all intensive purpose, but when I wake up in 6 hours it will be Thursday and the 'Big Decisions' begin. Who do I want to be here? I'm worrying about not worrying which is silly. I don't want to just take this, just say "Well, yeah, I mean I DID see it sophomore year and knew that nothing else could compare, that these were my people and this was the ultimate." I feel like that is not quite a humble remark. I should be homesick. Or worried about getting to the MT frats. Or Boston. I'M NOT. Went to the Town Of with M, C, L, S and R.. Au Bon Pain-ed it in classy upper-mid style. It was a trip, my roomate and Kristen walking in front while we stayed in the back and discussed clubbing. There was no Mama Dyke running the roost. Just stories.Maybe this is a stories place.. or maybe this is how you trust people. I'm used to hello as a laundry list of favorite things, a dossier of sorts. I wonder if we'd all be this comfortable if we hadn't known each other at all before. I'm pretty comfortable, but that's nothing new.. it amazes me how easy it is to get someone to open up. How fun it is. I am the scuba diver of pearl smiles.

Here.

So, I'm sitting on my bed talking to a girl from Louisiana about the bayou in her backyard and the golf course her grandfather owns. I'm walking to the greenhouse to get my free plant. I'm watching But I'm a Cheerleader in a room full of people who laugh at the right instances. I'm looking at my art posters covering the beige space.This was NOT something I had to worry about. But I guess I didn't really WORRY about wellesley... well (?) It's iffy. It is cool that we have a 'network' of people we virtually know. But I'm really enjoying the people I'm getting face-time with. They may even have more in common with me. But it feels pretty good thus far. I like my roomate, I like my room, hall, dorm, not our cafeteria so much but there are other options. Classes will be interesting, there are a bunch I want to take, and when I pick on Friday I'll obviously be talking about that in a major way. It's become increasingly clear even at this early stage why everyone loses touch with their non-college friends in college. This is intense. This is all the time. This is fun. High school was not intense like this. Maybe having guys there diluted it (ha, my burgeoning feminist tendencies are on the rise).

are you a loose end? (tie yourself up)

I should be more 'heartbroken' about leaving. Or more enthusiastic about going. No, I am excited. It's going to be great-- I'm bringing Brenner's cookies and... not my stereo. This will be the first time ever without my stereo going with me. I just don't see there being enough space. But reading Story of B definitely makes me hate certain things about my lifestyle. Such as the fact each article of clothing I own required its own suitcase (one suitcase of shoes, one of coats, etc.) And liking big houses and space. At Yosemite, there was this lookout-- Glacier Point-- where you can see the 'Eastern Valley', and I looked out, and instead of this fantastic forest with the rocks and all, I saw HIGHWAYS in-between GROVES. Not Forests. Groves of trees. and I went to www.ishmael.org and joined the Boston group and read about the EcoRaw tribal 5-day camping thing... I'd never understood vegans before, or even wanted to, but it made so much sense. I even experienced the feeling of WANTING to go to Eugene, Oregon and take part. When my parents said they were considering going to Singapore, it dawned on me that this was the kind of freedom from paranoia that I wanted... I could go to Oregon or Seattle or... Amsterdam... (YEAH) if I wanted. Or to Pride in Boston or DC.. Money, money would be needed. But I'm hoping to play my cards right and find a way to be west coast again next summer. Nevermind the fear of flying... So yes, I leave tomorrow. Said goodybe to Sandra and Grandma. Saw Camp. Ate my last Chipotle. Took the metro. Ate a Chesapeake Bagel Bakery sandwich. Got Brenner's cookies for the girls on Monday. Drove thru Old Town with mom one 'last time'. See, I'm jaded about this. Too used to camp. There's no one last ANYTHING, because eventually, you're always going back. And I will always be able to cite Ethan as an example of that. Or Derech Eretz. Flashbacks, friends. Nostalgia. Materialism. Found this great anthology at my Grandmother's house-- a 5th edition Introduction to Literature.. that I guess my uncle used at UVa. This textbook is INCREDIBLE.. it even has a poem by Fehrlinghetti:'Constantly risking absurdity'Constantly risking absurdityand deathwhenever he performsabove the headsof his audiencethe poet like an acrobatclimbs on rimeto a high wire of his own makingand balancing on eyebeamsabove a sea of facespaces his wayto the other side of dayperforming entrechatsand sleight-of-foot tricksand other high theatricsand all without mistakinganythingfor what it may not beFor he's the super realistwho must perforce perceivetaut truthbefore the taking of each stance or stepin his supposed advancetoward that still higher perchwhere Beauty stands and waitswith gravityto start her death-defying leapAnd hea little charleychaplin manwho may or may not catchher fair eternal formspreadeagled in the empty airof existence~*~Until... Monday/Tuesday...